New Year, New Stuff

I am such a loser for letting this go dormant for so long!  Or perhaps I just have too much going on to make time for typing my stream of consciousness out?  Either way, here’s an update.

Work = great!  I’ve taken on more responsibilities in the PR department, have initiated and managed our company’s social networking presence, and have taken more steps to improve our overall procedures at work (at least, so sayeth the feedback).  I am so thankful & blessed to work for amazing people, to be able to take a 1.5 block jaunt from my front door to my office, and to be able to have my husband bring the kids by once in a while to visit “Momma” at work!  Willis always takes one of my business cards home with him; it’s so cute!

Health = good!  Miah & I are both doing pretty well physically, other than the typical getting-older-and-falling-apart symptoms. 🙂  We’ve both got your garden variety lower back issues, bad knees, etc., which sometimes make it tough to keep up with the Willis and a turbo-crawler of a daughter.  But other than that, we’re doing well.  Miah is getting all buffed out in his pectorals/upper arms with the push-ups and cycling he does, and I’m kicking in the exercise and better diet with the start of the new year.  The kids are doing great too; Willis only needs his nebulizer treatment about once or twice a month at max, and Georgia (aside from insane teething) is doing dandy.

Finances = ok.  My job is a great stable source of income, but Miah & I both have some other ventures in the works that will help break the finances to a more even keel.  It’s been so great for all of us to have him staying home with the kids, and while it has made things tight for us financially, it just takes a bit more time and tweaking on some ideas before we can straighten it all out.  Patience, my young padawans! 

Socially = awesome!  I have to say that I am blown away by the difference a year can make.  I think this time last year I was taking a sabbatical from pretty much any kind of outer interaction (aside from family and work) due to intense discouragement with my past friendships.  They were just falling to the wayside, and not much I could do about any of them.  But in the recent months I’ve been able to work on building some new friendships that are, quite frankly, awesome.  It’s so nice to have girlfriends again – people to shop with, take in a movie with, play poker with, and even support during tough times.  Truly some great developments that I’m excited for going forward.

Church = great!  Miah & I finally got our membership classes at Living Savior completed, so we became members in June (or July?) of 2009.  It just feels nice to have a church home that is filled with such nice people, many of whom are similar in age and situation to us (30’s with multiple kids, same ages).  It’s also awesome to be able to go to a get-together at the pastor’s house where the guys can enjoy a cold beer together – the pastor even has a collection of beer bottles from every kind of microbrew out there.   (The men folk were getting a kick out of that.)

Well, that’s about it… I didn’t mean for this to become one of those Christmas-letter-type of updates, but it kind of did anyway. 🙂  I will try to be better about posting interesting/random/poignant (or not) observations here.  Besides, considering one of the endeavors I have going, I need to up the anty on my online exposure.  (Don’t read too much into THAT – pictures will not be involved.)

Carry on!

Coming To Terms With The Fact That I… Well… I Messed Up.

For the past couple of years now, I have wallowed in some self pity on occasion with regards to the mass exodus of friendships from my life that occurred right around the time I a) dated my to-be husband, b) got pregnant, c) got married, and then d) gave birth to our child.

A little background is called for:  At the time, I had been greatly involved and dedicated as a leader to my church in both the young adult and worship areas.

When I first dated my to-be husband (of course not knowing he eventually would be), our relationship lasted about two weeks and then he, being fresh on the rebound from a prior relationship gone wrong, broke up with me.  To sum it up, I went through the next 8 months in a flurry of depression, desperation as I clung to any kind of relationship/interaction with him (which often included attending parties where there was drinking), general craziness that occurs in the female psyche when she is dumped and can’t understand why, grieving over the loss of two grandparents right around the time of the break-up, pursuing God desperately in quiet times when I was alone, and flailing in my other relationships as I struggled with the loss of him and them and figuring me out.

Eventually he moved on from the prior relationship, and right about the time I was beginning to feel normal and self-confident enough again to move on (yet still harboring that wisp of hope where he was concerned), he was interested again.  Naturally I was receptive to his interest, and so… well, let’s just say we weren’t very traditional in our courtship seeing as how our son was born about 5 months after we were married. Being that I worked at the same church we both had been leaders at when we met, this obviously opened a few cans o’ worms and consequences that weren’t necessarily pleasant.  But hey, we deserved most of them from the choices we made, and so we received them and then tried to move on.

From that time until now, I think it’s safe to say I have retained maybe two solid friends from the time before I first dated my husband.  And only one of those friends keeps up with me on a quasi-regular basis.  For the rest, I turn to my husband, my family (parents and step-sisters), and sometimes my coworkers.  I am slowly building relationships with women I know from a message board I frequent, and there are a few possibilities at the church where we just became members.  So there is hope on the horizon as far as friendships go… it’s just taking a long time and is slow going for someone who used to be able to juggle several social interactions in one week.

Anyway… enough background… Let’s get to the guts of this post.  I messed up.  And I’m not just talking about the whole pregnant-before-married thing.  I royally failed in my role as a friend.  I slowly let my future husband – actually, my pursuit and focus and hopes for the man who would eventually become my husband – move my focus far and away from every friend I had at the time.  Ultimately, on looking at where I’m at now, I do not regret the destination of my path from back then – it has led me to a loving husband and two amazing children.  I can and do, however, regret how I chose to take each fork in the road on that path.

You see, up until a few days ago, I was absolutely and entirely focused on the idea that they had all abandoned me.  That it was all of their judgementalism, all of their self-righteousness and superiority, all of their selfishness that led to me feeling absolutely alienated by 99% of the non-blood-related people who claimed any closeness to me.  I have been entirely and all too conveniently unwilling to look at what faults I had during that tumultuous year (and the days following) that might have chased people from me.

Do I still think that those past friends could have handled certain things in a more forgiving manner?  Sure I do.  But that’s not nearly as important as it is for me to examine my own faults and actions that led me down the path I elected to take.  I made choices that incurred risks, and I now see that I really took for granted people who had a limit as to how far they would indulge my deviations before they decided to call it quits.  Ideally, we would all have boundless ability to forgive and accept those who might hurt or wrong us (whether directly or indirectly)… but it’s just not reality.  It is absolutely something to strive for – but, as I said, not something to take for granted in others.  THAT is selfish and naive and deserving of space.

I messed up.  And I’m sorry for it.  I think I’m only beginning the process of assessing my errors during those years (specifically 2006) and realizing my need to apologize for them.  I don’t expect or deserve forgiveness – while that would be a neat boon to receive, that’s not the ultimate point of the process.  I can’t go back and change what is done or how I treated others.  I can only realize what I did, adjust my behavior to line up more with how God would want me to behave/choose, and move forward in accord with that directive as best as I can.  I can also grieve the losses of those friendships, and instead of cajoling on and on about how I wish things could be different, I need to accept that they aren’t and move forward into new relationships.

I wish all of my former friends the very best, and I hope they are surrounded by friends now that are far better then what I was back then.  And I hope that I can be that friend to surround others in new relationships moving forward.