It’s a New Day with New Friends February 27, 2009

Things are looking up since my recent post.  I’ve regained a bit of hope as far as my friendship prospects, and have accepted the reality that I need to let my older friends go.   I am also so appreciative of some of the newer friends I have made that seem to genuinely care about my well-being and want to know how my life is going. 

Most of all, I am thankful for God in my life, and for his continuing influence on my circumstances and outlook.  Thanks to all who had such kind words to share and who are supportive of my current path of renewal.

Things, and people, don’t seem to change much from high school days. February 17, 2009

I am consistently floored by the schoolyard tactics employed by grown women with whom I am acquainted.  Frankly, I’m almost expecting for a gang of preppy hateful cheerleaders to jump me when I head to my car after work… snapping and stepping in time as they do.  Do these people have nothing better to do, or more importantly, no better way to teach their children how to deal with conflict?  Apparently not, and it’s these same children I’m undoubtedly going to have to prepare my children for dealing with when they finally hit school.

What’s the saying… “That which does not kill us makes us stronger?”

Paring down, weeding out… February 17, 2009

…and losing hope, frankly.

I just don’t know what else to do – which I guess is perfect timing for God to step in, or for me to allow him to.

I have hit a major rut in my life in the friendship arena.  It seriously depresses me when I think about it seriously.  I look back to my life 5 years ago and the good friends I had, the laughter and comraderie, the tough times and confidences, and being in relationships where I felt given to as well as being able to give in return.  And it all felt so genuine, and so lasting.

Bull shit.

I seriously am at the point where I think it’s all a bunch of bunk.  I don’t know if God is really trying to strip me down to the bare essentials so I have nothing to rely on except Him, or if I’m chasing people away, or if I’m finally discovering that I’m really not that great of a friend or a person, or what the hell, let’s do a combo of all of the above.

Since getting pregnant and married (yes, in that order), I have lost – oh, let’s see – every single friend I had.  Oh sure, some of them are still “friends” with me, but the promises to call, get together, hang out, keep in touch – huh, reads just like an old high school yearbook of empty commitments that are just for show and not worth the ink they are written with.   Was it because I got pregnant?  Possibly – some of them felt the need to ostracize me and possibly punish me for THAT mistake.  Oh, and I even got a nice solid accusation that I got pregnant on purpose so I could “snare” my current husband.  PLEASE.  I wonder if that was the first sign that I was friends with people who really don’t know me, or possibly don’t have the time to care to.

Since then, one by one, each of them has dropped off the horizon of my life.  I get that time goes on, people move on, but I just never thought that every single one of them would drift away without so much as a tear of farewell.  It really speaks loads to me as to how much – or rather, how little – I meant to all of them.  Which speaks loads to me of how sucky a friend I must be after all.

So, there it is.  I am stripped bare.  I have not one.single.friend who is not related to me.  Instead I have a barrage of acquaintances who do the cursory “Oh, Hiiiiii, how are you?” greeting every so often.  Thanks, but no thanks.  If I can’t have consistent conversations with you in real life once in a while, what’s the point?  It all seems like a huge facade to keep those trivial relationships going, so I won’t anymore.  I’d rather have an honest nothing then a fake maybe.

OK, God – I’m down to the bare bones relationally.  I’ve got a wonderful and loving husband, beautiful and intelligent children, and a dedicated family.  I guess that’s all I really need and can hope for.  If you want to bring a friend or two into my life, so be it.  But I really can’t put myself out there anymore when all I can truly expect anymore is a surface friendship that has all the substance of runny eggs.

Huh – I never thought I’d be able to relate to what BB was feeling, but I think I’m starting to get a clue.

Vaya con Dios, old friends.

Checking out. February 17, 2009

This online world is not for me, not right now.  Today has, in many ways and through many venues, shown me that my priorities are skewed, many of my relationships trivial to the point of being strictly online and not really IRL, and that I’m placing too much importance on things that are not in the now anymore.

It’s time to focus on real life and leave the triviality to others.  I just can’t afford to do it anymore.

On the brink, in the bed, and up the BP… October 20, 2008

Allow me to explain:  I’m 37 weeks pregnant, on mandated bed rest, and have puffy hands/feet from the high blood pressure (preeclampsia) to prove it!

Needless to say, bed rest is BORING.  I get the need for it, don’t get me wrong – but that doesn’t mean I have to like it or sing its praises.  Thank GOD I have a laptop to putz on as well as family/friends close by who have really stepped in to help us while I’m so unwilfully immobile!

Things I’ve already observed about being on bed rest (for your amusement and enlightenment):

• King Soopers HomeShop experience, while being very convenient, costs $10 to deliver.  Not really worth it, and it makes the hubby feel like he should get $10 to run to the store too.
• Husbands actually may enjoy being called the “Bed Rest Warden” and will then endeavor to keep earning that title by glaring at you if you dare to get up for any reason, whether it’s allowed by the doc or not.
• Websites like Facebook and MySpace suddenly gain a new respect as venues of time-suckage, whereas before they had become more of a chore to keep up with on a work day.
• The world of online task completion takes on a whole new importance, and one becomes VERY thankful for the presence of the almighty Internet.
• Memory foam mattress…Priceless.

That’s about all I can sum up for now.  Here’s hoping this doesn’t go much longer and my OB decides that, since we’re all full-term now, this baby needs to see the world sometime in the next week.  Pray for me, email me, comment on me, do something!

Interesting Insights with a Stranger October 3, 2008

I had a very interesting and insightful conversation with a person today whom I’ve only ever spoken to twice, both times mostly in a strictly business-related context.  But today brought on new and personal topics that really provided me with both a sense of comraderie and thankfulness for my own experiences.

This person visited our office today and, on her way out, asked me when my baby was due (I’m in a very obvious pregnant state).  She then shared that she is 4 months along, and as our conversation progressed, she also divulged that it wasn’t a planned pregnancy – she’d been dating a guy for 6 months and whammo, they’re pregnant.  I was able to reveal in return that my first pregnancy was of the same genre – definitely not intentional.

As we began to chat more, I began to feel a new appreciation for the path I struck upon when I had seriously started dating my now-husband for the 2nd time in fall of 2005.  While my choices at that time were definitely not all in the “correct” arena, they led me to experiences that I have absolutely no regrets over and wouldn’t go back and change for the world.  I saw that this woman was still in the throes of the same kinds of uncertainty and doubt that I had felt before making some serious, lifelong decisions that changed my life’s course permanently.

Here’s what I really want to say… Getting pregnant outside of wedlock is, to my mind, not the preferable way to go, and I think it’s obvious as to why.  But just in case, let me enlighten the reader a bit:  it is DAMNABLY scary.  Once you get that positive pregnancy test sitting there and staring you in the face, the entire possible future flashes before your eyes, and if you’ve never been a mother before, it’s a future rife with uncertainty, fear, and possible solitude.  Your life is immediately and irrevocably changed, and not necessarily to the same tune of a woman who is already in a marriage (or even a steady, solid relationship) with the baby’s father.  If you’re a person of the turn of mind who knows you would never abort or give up the baby you have conceived, you are immediately innundated with needs to plan, prepare, and basically survive this new turn of events, and it looks a lot tougher when you might be doing it on your own.

That is where I was for a time back in fall of 2005, and that is where this woman finds herself now.  Thankfully, as with me, the baby’s father is fully involved, supportive, and even seeking a more permanent long-term commitment with her as they are moving forward with her pregnancy.  But that isn’t stopping other people in their lives from making sure this couple feels completely judged and ashamed for the choices they made to bring them to where they are now…and these are people that should by ALL intents and purposes be offering love, support, and guidance to both of them.  I felt a sense of ire and defensiveness for her as she told me an all-too familiar tale of how they’ve been told “we don’t want to be a part of your lives or this baby’s life if you’re not married” or “it’d be better if you at least get married for the baby’s birth and then get divorced later” or (my personal favorite) how the couple should be contemplating the feelings of others (family/friends) while deciding if they should get married or not.  It’s a sad state of affairs when you discover who your real friends are or aren’t in the midst of experiencing what is probably one of the most massive upheavals/trials in your life.

Anyway… I know this post was a lot more about me then about this person I spoke with today.  But, as often happens in life, we see our own existence reflected in the experiences of others and sometimes we can pause for thought about where we’ve been and what we felt in similar times.  But here’s one thing I know about what I’m going to do going forward – I am going to offer up every bit of help, encouragement, and support to this virtual stranger who shared her life, and its uncertainties, with me today.  I’m going to do what a few members of her own friends/family can’t seem to bring themselves to accomplish:  refrain from judging and help her make right decisions going forward.  I’m going to use the life experience I have to see if I can help make her upcoming choices easier to make, and with more confidence then she might have had without knowing someone who’s been down a very similar beaten path.

Life’s way too short to be so shallow and shortsighted that it has to be all about yourself.  Imagine if Jesus had operated that way – we’d all be pretty much damned to hell with no chance at a reprieve.  That is all.

Just Because It’s So Spot-On… September 18, 2008

…Here’s a video of Rush Limbaugh making a point about immigration in our nation.

Limbaugh Laws

Feeling appreciated at work…Priceless. September 9, 2008

Blame it on my need for approval, or something that came from my drive to be the smartest kid in the class (or at least the one with the best grades), but for most of my work history I’ve striven to excel and impress my supervisors/colleagues in the workplace.  I haven’t always succeeded but it has been a pretty consistent goal for me.  My policy is that job security exponentially increases based on how invaluable your employer finds you to be.

So imagine my extreme pleasure and fulfillment at realizing that the staff I currently work for really, really, REALLY appreciates me in my position!  I know they’ve told me that before once I’d been there and kind of learned the ropes, but last night we wrapped up an event that entailed months of planning, preparation, and forethought – all for the purpose of recognizing the staff of past and current years.  And all evening long they were coming up to me individually to let me know how much better things are with me on their team, how they wish I could’ve been with them sooner, and how I’m not ever allowed to leave (other then for childbirth purposes of course!).  I have to tell you, it feels absolutely wonderful to know that my efforts in my job have made their lives better and that I’m not just earning a paycheck but also their trust and dependence.

After working at jobs where I either wasn’t getting compensated adequately and yet loved my colleagues/supervisors, or hating my superiors but getting paid well in exchange for putting up with it, it’s SO amazing to be so blessed to work somewhere that gives me the best of both worlds.  I endeavor to give them my all in return and here’s hoping I’m there for another 20 years!

Revelations about Governor Palin. September 1, 2008

Aha, it seems that our newly-selected VP candidate for the Republican party has a 17-year old daughter who is 5 months pregnant.  Imagine the scandal… Imagine the consequences of such an admission… Imagine the reactions of the various cross-sections of American voters as they dissect, judge, and condemn this woman for what is happening in her own family!

And then, imagine a 17-year old girl who decided to have sex at a young age, wound up pregnant as a result, and instead of facing a family who will ostracize her and make her feel like a demeaned slut for her choices and/or lack of judgement, she is facing a family and the child’s father who are remaining by her side and choosing to support her no matter what.

And then why don’t the rest of you holier-then-thou pundits shut the hell up.  If you prefer not to, we can tarry back to an earlier time where your most beloved leader of the free world let an intern give him oral sex in the White House, lied about it under oath, and taught our children that oral sex isn’t really sex.  Then ask yourselves why Governor Palin and her daughter aren’t more popular as a result of this most recent revelation.

Due to my own choices, I became pregnant out of wedlock.  Granted, I was 31 at the time, so I didn’t quite face the social stigma of a 17-year old…but never doubt that I faced a stigma nonetheless and rightfully so.  And I thank God every single day that I had family and a few close friends who decided to support me in moving forward rather then ostracize and judge me so they could feel better about their own righteous indignation.  I’m quite sure Palin’s daughter Bristol is, at this moment, discovering who her true friends and family are.

It’s tough when you’re not young & invincible. August 19, 2008

And able to live on 4 hours of sleep.  Ugh.

When I was in my teens, I was often getting into trouble with my parents…not because I’d sneak out, or rebel, or even because I was dating some stoner.  Nope, my main transgression was that I would stay up past my bedtime and read into the hours of morning against their wishes. 

I just couldn’t put them down, you know?  My favorites at first were the ridiculous Sweet Valley High books, but I moved on to far better works by Charles Dickens (although I did sometimes enjoy a good Stephen King thriller).  So avid was I to be able to read undisturbed that I’d contrive ways to hide my room light from my parents…whether it was clothes strategically arranged at the base of my bedroom door, or resorting to a flashlight under the covers (not my favorite alternative, especially in the summer), I continually came up with ways to thwart the parental authority and pursue my reading in spite of the late hours.

And you know what?  I survived just fine!  I could read until 2 or 3 in the morning and still get up for my first class at 7:05am.  I may not have been at my best that day, but I was totally able to handle it.

And those days are GONE, dude.  It’s amazing what a couple of decades will do to your need for more then 4 or 5 hours of unbroken sleep.  And how ridiculously dumb one can be when one decides to start off the work week on only 4 hours of sleep when you know you have something happening every night thereafter.  Ridiculous.

I guess I just need to adjust to the fact that I’m not in my teens anymore, and yes, my body actually does require some rest if I’m going to be able to function.  Ahhhh, to be 14 again.  Wait…no thanks.