…and losing hope, frankly.
I just don’t know what else to do – which I guess is perfect timing for God to step in, or for me to allow him to.
I have hit a major rut in my life in the friendship arena. It seriously depresses me when I think about it seriously. I look back to my life 5 years ago and the good friends I had, the laughter and comraderie, the tough times and confidences, and being in relationships where I felt given to as well as being able to give in return. And it all felt so genuine, and so lasting.
Bull shit.
I seriously am at the point where I think it’s all a bunch of bunk. I don’t know if God is really trying to strip me down to the bare essentials so I have nothing to rely on except Him, or if I’m chasing people away, or if I’m finally discovering that I’m really not that great of a friend or a person, or what the hell, let’s do a combo of all of the above.
Since getting pregnant and married (yes, in that order), I have lost – oh, let’s see – every single friend I had. Oh sure, some of them are still “friends” with me, but the promises to call, get together, hang out, keep in touch – huh, reads just like an old high school yearbook of empty commitments that are just for show and not worth the ink they are written with. Was it because I got pregnant? Possibly – some of them felt the need to ostracize me and possibly punish me for THAT mistake. Oh, and I even got a nice solid accusation that I got pregnant on purpose so I could “snare” my current husband. PLEASE. I wonder if that was the first sign that I was friends with people who really don’t know me, or possibly don’t have the time to care to.
Since then, one by one, each of them has dropped off the horizon of my life. I get that time goes on, people move on, but I just never thought that every single one of them would drift away without so much as a tear of farewell. It really speaks loads to me as to how much – or rather, how little – I meant to all of them. Which speaks loads to me of how sucky a friend I must be after all.
So, there it is. I am stripped bare. I have not one.single.friend who is not related to me. Instead I have a barrage of acquaintances who do the cursory “Oh, Hiiiiii, how are you?” greeting every so often. Thanks, but no thanks. If I can’t have consistent conversations with you in real life once in a while, what’s the point? It all seems like a huge facade to keep those trivial relationships going, so I won’t anymore. I’d rather have an honest nothing then a fake maybe.
OK, God – I’m down to the bare bones relationally. I’ve got a wonderful and loving husband, beautiful and intelligent children, and a dedicated family. I guess that’s all I really need and can hope for. If you want to bring a friend or two into my life, so be it. But I really can’t put myself out there anymore when all I can truly expect anymore is a surface friendship that has all the substance of runny eggs.
Huh – I never thought I’d be able to relate to what BB was feeling, but I think I’m starting to get a clue.
Vaya con Dios, old friends.
I very much feel the same way. I have very few close friends, even those that i consider close really aren’t THAT close. it makes me sad sometimes i don’t have that girlfriend comraderie, but i’ve been burned too many times in the past to open myself up again.
Hugs! I have definitely felt that way before as well! Please take care of yourself and I hope things start looking up for you soon!
I’ve also felt like this a million and one times before, especially since becoming a mom and limiting myself to only-mom friendships. I think I’ve put my guard up quite a bit since then and don’t put myself out there as much as others…quite frankly it sucks getting hurt over and over again. God will take care of you and will give you the relationships that you will either learn from or learn more about Him from…or both. Lots of hugs and prayers to you Rachel! Do what you need to do!
Hi Rachel,
I am sorry that you are stuggling right now. In college, I made all of these friends freshman year. I was so excited. Then one day, they came to me and told me that they didn’t really want to be friends anymore. I was blindsided. I spent the rest of my college years bouncing from house to house and I lived with strangers. I felt like there was something wrong with me. Over the last year, I have finally started making friends.
I have really enjoyed the few times that we have gotten together. I think you are funny and intellegent and I always enjoy myself when you are around. I know that we don’t hang out that often, but I would love to get to know you better if you are interested. You are in my prayers!
Robin
Rachel, you’re enough for God and therefore, you’re enough for me. We all do things in life that we didn’t plan but it’s so hard when people we thought were friends seem to forget that and start point fingers at us for just being human. I know that you know that Christian doesn’t mean perfect and you’re willing to stand up and live your life that way.
I just want you to know you’ve been a big inspiration for me on my journey the last year or so in learning to come back to God and live out loud while still being just me. The world needs more Rachels. Please don’t ever hesitate if there’s anything you need.
(((hugs)))
I miss you and your quick wit on The Nest! I hope you are doing well! {Hugs}