It’s a New Day with New Friends February 27, 2009

Things are looking up since my recent post.  I’ve regained a bit of hope as far as my friendship prospects, and have accepted the reality that I need to let my older friends go.   I am also so appreciative of some of the newer friends I have made that seem to genuinely care about my well-being and want to know how my life is going. 

Most of all, I am thankful for God in my life, and for his continuing influence on my circumstances and outlook.  Thanks to all who had such kind words to share and who are supportive of my current path of renewal.

Things, and people, don’t seem to change much from high school days. February 17, 2009

I am consistently floored by the schoolyard tactics employed by grown women with whom I am acquainted.  Frankly, I’m almost expecting for a gang of preppy hateful cheerleaders to jump me when I head to my car after work… snapping and stepping in time as they do.  Do these people have nothing better to do, or more importantly, no better way to teach their children how to deal with conflict?  Apparently not, and it’s these same children I’m undoubtedly going to have to prepare my children for dealing with when they finally hit school.

What’s the saying… “That which does not kill us makes us stronger?”

Paring down, weeding out… February 17, 2009

…and losing hope, frankly.

I just don’t know what else to do – which I guess is perfect timing for God to step in, or for me to allow him to.

I have hit a major rut in my life in the friendship arena.  It seriously depresses me when I think about it seriously.  I look back to my life 5 years ago and the good friends I had, the laughter and comraderie, the tough times and confidences, and being in relationships where I felt given to as well as being able to give in return.  And it all felt so genuine, and so lasting.

Bull shit.

I seriously am at the point where I think it’s all a bunch of bunk.  I don’t know if God is really trying to strip me down to the bare essentials so I have nothing to rely on except Him, or if I’m chasing people away, or if I’m finally discovering that I’m really not that great of a friend or a person, or what the hell, let’s do a combo of all of the above.

Since getting pregnant and married (yes, in that order), I have lost – oh, let’s see – every single friend I had.  Oh sure, some of them are still “friends” with me, but the promises to call, get together, hang out, keep in touch – huh, reads just like an old high school yearbook of empty commitments that are just for show and not worth the ink they are written with.   Was it because I got pregnant?  Possibly – some of them felt the need to ostracize me and possibly punish me for THAT mistake.  Oh, and I even got a nice solid accusation that I got pregnant on purpose so I could “snare” my current husband.  PLEASE.  I wonder if that was the first sign that I was friends with people who really don’t know me, or possibly don’t have the time to care to.

Since then, one by one, each of them has dropped off the horizon of my life.  I get that time goes on, people move on, but I just never thought that every single one of them would drift away without so much as a tear of farewell.  It really speaks loads to me as to how much – or rather, how little – I meant to all of them.  Which speaks loads to me of how sucky a friend I must be after all.

So, there it is.  I am stripped bare.  I have not one.single.friend who is not related to me.  Instead I have a barrage of acquaintances who do the cursory “Oh, Hiiiiii, how are you?” greeting every so often.  Thanks, but no thanks.  If I can’t have consistent conversations with you in real life once in a while, what’s the point?  It all seems like a huge facade to keep those trivial relationships going, so I won’t anymore.  I’d rather have an honest nothing then a fake maybe.

OK, God – I’m down to the bare bones relationally.  I’ve got a wonderful and loving husband, beautiful and intelligent children, and a dedicated family.  I guess that’s all I really need and can hope for.  If you want to bring a friend or two into my life, so be it.  But I really can’t put myself out there anymore when all I can truly expect anymore is a surface friendship that has all the substance of runny eggs.

Huh – I never thought I’d be able to relate to what BB was feeling, but I think I’m starting to get a clue.

Vaya con Dios, old friends.

Checking out. February 17, 2009

This online world is not for me, not right now.  Today has, in many ways and through many venues, shown me that my priorities are skewed, many of my relationships trivial to the point of being strictly online and not really IRL, and that I’m placing too much importance on things that are not in the now anymore.

It’s time to focus on real life and leave the triviality to others.  I just can’t afford to do it anymore.