Protected: On the verge of tears over starry-eyed dreams. July 6, 2009
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Over and done. June 25, 2009
Perhaps it’s the fact that I spent a couple of hours this evening with my husband and my pastor discussing the foundations of my faith. Perhaps it’s the fact that I feel like I wasted hours today on something trivial when I could’ve been far more productive. Most likely it’s because I’ve been reminded, by hanging out with my children and husband tonight, that trivial crap is completely trumped by important things like family and faith.
So I shall be an overcomer. I refuse to bear bitterness, grudges, or animosity toward individuals I feel have wronged me. That doesn’t mean I’ll blindly continue to trust them – rather I will persevere along my own path and handle them with grace when encounters occur. And I will maintain my optimistic outlook that anyone – ANY ONE PERSON – can choose to be better and functional and righteous. I shall remind myself that God did not design me to be bitter, or angry, or to target others for vengeance. And I shall do my utmost to be an example to my family that laughter and optimism are both powerful weapons against a barrage of attacks, vindictiveness, and the general lesser angels of humanity.
My Bacon Is Soooooo Good!!! April 20, 2009
Seriously, did I do something amazingly wonderful in my life up until now that I have such good fortune to have the job I do? Let me count the ways (plus this way I have it down for reference for those days when I’m not having such a good time in the throes of bringing home the bacon):
1. I work TWO blocks from my house. I don’t even have to start up the car to head over to the office, so I’m being gas-friendly as far as cost AND environment. Win-Win! (Of course, it makes a “snow day” virtually impossible, but see my first paragraph about how much I love my job!)
2. I have a WINDOW right by my desk. It may not seem like a big deal, but when you’ve worked in cubicle land, or sometimes in the cave that is a video editing studio, daylight is friggin’ awesome.
3. I am compensated better then I have ever been compensated for any job EVER. Granted, I think I really do earn it via my efforts and motivation, but it’s SO awesome to feel appreciated via the good old paycheck.
4. I work for the most incredible bosses anyone could ever ask for. Seriously – my two immediate supervisors are women who are intelligent, trendy, professional, driven, compassionate, and damn funny! Did I mention generous too?
5. I am constantly encouraged to improve upon my skills, my job description, and overall my career. It’s so great to be employed by people who want you to strive for more rather then be relegated to the same position 30 years later.
6. I have access to the gym which, although small, is not used very much by the total staff, so for a very minimal fee each pay period I have virtually an entire gym to myself! No peering eyes, no skinny bitches to eyeball my fat while it bounces down the treadmill, and no ogling men to watch me sweat. Did I mention it’s just 2 floors down from my office?
7. My coworkers are, sincerely, the most eclectic and awesome group of people I have had the privilege to know. They truly represent the flavor of humanity and it’s so incredible to be a part of their lives.
8. My company is bent on all of the good things that make for longevity in employment, including focus on family. It’s great to be able to commiserate with other employees about my husband and/or kids, to bring them to events for everyone to meet and keep up with, and to know that my bosses support my commitment to my family when push comes to shove.
9. I get to use initiative to get things done. Ah, so nice to not be micromanaged and to experience the responsibility allotted to me by my bosses to drive projects, brainstorm new procedures, and take the lead on timelines.
10. In the current crapola economy, my job is pretty damn secure. This is anchored by the additional effort I have put into my job, and the fact that my coworkers call me “Christmas.”
How you likin’ THAT bacon? Smells pretty damn good to me! Thank you, God for such an awesome job!
Snippets from 3rd graders April 16, 2009
Today I was delegated the task of presenting 12 minutes of AirLife information to a very tough audience that challenged me both intellectually and physically, and also who had the power to make a grown adult feel like an inadequate stutter-puss. That’s right, people – I’m talking about Englewood 3rd graders. As I sped through a ton of material and Powerpoint pictures, I was privvy to several random comments that almost made me laugh out loud and lose my cool… here are a few of them for your entertainment.
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Me: “OK, what’s a dangerous part of the helicopter that any of you can think of?”
Kid1: “Um, when you’re flying and a jet decides to laser blast you and you have to fly really fast to keep from blowing up.”
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Kid2: “Know what? When I was born it was in Arizona and my mom had to call you guys to fly down and pick her up and I was born on the helicopter and we almost crash landed at the hospital but my mom decided to fly the helicopter and so we were all saved.”
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(on one slide we showed a picture of the helicopter and had a flying helicopter sound effect accompanying it)
Kid3: (when the sound faded out, looking directly at me) “Did YOU just make that noise?”
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Kid4: (at the very end as the kids were filing out) “Know what? Your helicopter almost crash landed into my house last week.”
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Kid5: (when I selected him for his “question”) “Guess what? I was born in California.”
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You have to love the originality and imagination. That is all!
The Best Use Of the “Timed Release” Method March 29, 2009
This morning marked the first Sunday morning in a LONG time when we were, at long last, able to get our 2.75 year old son to make it through an entire one-hour church service without needing to expelgate him to the lobby due to noise and/or general rambunctiousness. Yay! And I think it had everything to do with our own parental version of the “timed release” method.
What do I mean, you might ask? Just this… Mommy & Daddy pack little W’s backpack with a slew of diversions (toy cars, coloring books/crayons, dry cheerios, a Dr. Seuss book, etc) and, as the service progresses, we release each diversion one at a time. We start off with W playing with a toy car, and about 5-7 minutes after he starts with it, we pull a “hey, look at these, buddy!” and whip out 2 other, different cars he can now incorporate into his play! But wait, there’s more… about 5 minutes after that, it’s time to reveal the dry cheerios. W integrates general munching in with his current car play. Then, about 10 minutes later, look what Mommy has – W’s favorite “One Fish, Two Fish” Dr. Seuss book! That sucker is good for at least 15 minutes, especially since he likes to point at most of the pictures on each page and read along with us…
You get the gist. But it works like a charm! Granted, we still get the random attempts by little W to beat a path to the lobby right past our legs, so there are containment issues still present. But the “timed release” formula for church-time diversion seems to be the way to go. Hope it works for other parents out there who have a little one that is, shall we say, “easily distracted.” Enjoy!
Ode to Mortality: Thy Name is Volleyball March 28, 2009
Ah, my roaring teens and twenties, back when I could toss on a pair of shorts, the sports bra, and some comfy sneakers to venture onto the court (be it sand, grass, or gym floor) for a solid few hours of bump-set-spike. I could enter such contests of skill and sportsmanship on just a banana and soft drink for fuel. I wouldn’t even need to stretch out, but even post-game soreness was gaffawed at with that reckless nonchalance of youth. My body would be thrust into an array of strange postures and angles, all for the purpose of receiving the ball and helping to send it over for a powerful score…
And now I’m 34. GONE are the days when I can hop onto the court after a 3+ year sabbatical from the game. GONE is the flexibility of my 20s. GONE is the metabolism that could use junk food for fuel without letting my energy drain away like the suds of my son’s bubble baths. GONE is the rubberband quality of my spinal column for making all of those wacky dives, stretches, lunges, and extensions for the ball. I type this as I sit on my couch, moving gingerly to salvage what is left of my lower back, and tenderly testing out my oh-SO-sore calf, forearm, and shoulder muscles to make sure nothing is coming off. Why? Because in about 20 minutes the kids are waking up from naps, and all opportunity for recovery will be GONE.
Crap. My body is getting older and there’s only so much I can do about prolonging its use. I think today “Wilson” is the one who looked at me and said, “Bump-set-SPIKE, you old bat!”
It’s a New Day with New Friends February 27, 2009
Things are looking up since my recent post. I’ve regained a bit of hope as far as my friendship prospects, and have accepted the reality that I need to let my older friends go. I am also so appreciative of some of the newer friends I have made that seem to genuinely care about my well-being and want to know how my life is going.
Most of all, I am thankful for God in my life, and for his continuing influence on my circumstances and outlook. Thanks to all who had such kind words to share and who are supportive of my current path of renewal.
Things, and people, don’t seem to change much from high school days. February 17, 2009
I am consistently floored by the schoolyard tactics employed by grown women with whom I am acquainted. Frankly, I’m almost expecting for a gang of preppy hateful cheerleaders to jump me when I head to my car after work… snapping and stepping in time as they do. Do these people have nothing better to do, or more importantly, no better way to teach their children how to deal with conflict? Apparently not, and it’s these same children I’m undoubtedly going to have to prepare my children for dealing with when they finally hit school.
What’s the saying… “That which does not kill us makes us stronger?”
Paring down, weeding out… February 17, 2009
…and losing hope, frankly.
I just don’t know what else to do – which I guess is perfect timing for God to step in, or for me to allow him to.
I have hit a major rut in my life in the friendship arena. It seriously depresses me when I think about it seriously. I look back to my life 5 years ago and the good friends I had, the laughter and comraderie, the tough times and confidences, and being in relationships where I felt given to as well as being able to give in return. And it all felt so genuine, and so lasting.
Bull shit.
I seriously am at the point where I think it’s all a bunch of bunk. I don’t know if God is really trying to strip me down to the bare essentials so I have nothing to rely on except Him, or if I’m chasing people away, or if I’m finally discovering that I’m really not that great of a friend or a person, or what the hell, let’s do a combo of all of the above.
Since getting pregnant and married (yes, in that order), I have lost – oh, let’s see – every single friend I had. Oh sure, some of them are still “friends” with me, but the promises to call, get together, hang out, keep in touch – huh, reads just like an old high school yearbook of empty commitments that are just for show and not worth the ink they are written with. Was it because I got pregnant? Possibly – some of them felt the need to ostracize me and possibly punish me for THAT mistake. Oh, and I even got a nice solid accusation that I got pregnant on purpose so I could “snare” my current husband. PLEASE. I wonder if that was the first sign that I was friends with people who really don’t know me, or possibly don’t have the time to care to.
Since then, one by one, each of them has dropped off the horizon of my life. I get that time goes on, people move on, but I just never thought that every single one of them would drift away without so much as a tear of farewell. It really speaks loads to me as to how much – or rather, how little – I meant to all of them. Which speaks loads to me of how sucky a friend I must be after all.
So, there it is. I am stripped bare. I have not one.single.friend who is not related to me. Instead I have a barrage of acquaintances who do the cursory “Oh, Hiiiiii, how are you?” greeting every so often. Thanks, but no thanks. If I can’t have consistent conversations with you in real life once in a while, what’s the point? It all seems like a huge facade to keep those trivial relationships going, so I won’t anymore. I’d rather have an honest nothing then a fake maybe.
OK, God – I’m down to the bare bones relationally. I’ve got a wonderful and loving husband, beautiful and intelligent children, and a dedicated family. I guess that’s all I really need and can hope for. If you want to bring a friend or two into my life, so be it. But I really can’t put myself out there anymore when all I can truly expect anymore is a surface friendship that has all the substance of runny eggs.
Huh – I never thought I’d be able to relate to what BB was feeling, but I think I’m starting to get a clue.
Vaya con Dios, old friends.
Checking out. February 17, 2009
This online world is not for me, not right now. Today has, in many ways and through many venues, shown me that my priorities are skewed, many of my relationships trivial to the point of being strictly online and not really IRL, and that I’m placing too much importance on things that are not in the now anymore.
It’s time to focus on real life and leave the triviality to others. I just can’t afford to do it anymore.
