It’s dissection and diagnosis time in the old Moore noggin.
I’m frankly at a loss over the last few months as to what is going on and, more to the point, why. Words like best, laid, plans, serendipity, divine, karma and bitch have traipsed across my skull as I ponder the state of affairs. I’m just really trying to figure out what the h-e-la-la is happening.
Me = social butterfly. Me also = full-time mom = parent of two = wife = pare down my spare time into a group of minutes each month. It takes a LOT for me to try to make some social time (as in, no kids, no husband, just me and whomever else is there) happen. I have to be motivated, I have to feel confident the kids and/or husband will be seen to and be fine without me there, I have to have at least a minimum amount of funds, and if all of that comes together, I’m game to hang out and decompress and actually have fun.
Well, damn it ALL, wouldn’t it be great if after all that effort to make it work on my end, it would actually – y’know – WORK? I have tried to get out with various people several times over the past six months, and it seems like almost every single time something goes slightly awry, but it’s enough to prevent me from participating at all. You see, in all of that orchestrating details to be able to be out and social, I typically have a finite window of time to get ready, get there, get social, then get home. If a vital detail like time or location gets mussed, I can (and do) pretty much turn the vehicle around and head straight home since trying to attend is now pointless.
Now here’s where the “why” comes in – none of the detail muss is anyone’s fault. Not kidding. It usually boils down to a simple and quite innocent miscommunication or lack of communication, or not being on the same page, or myself or the organizer not connecting about a vital time or place change, etc. It’s NO ONE’S FAULT. Which is even more frustrating, because really – WHY then does it seem to keep happening? I can’t tell you how many times I really and truly find myself driving home because I’ve just realized I can’t be where I wanted to be. It’s so incredibly frustrating, and it leaves me asking if this is simply a coincidence repeating itself over and over and over and over again… or is something larger at work?
Enter the karma. I start blaming myself and my past choices for the social difficulties I experience now. “Well, Rach, you did take a path which resulted in a bit of a taboo pregnancy and marriage, and kind of chucked your closest friends to pursue those things, thus… well… so there.” Is this payback for those choices of not so terribly long ago? Is this what I get for being weak and selfish then? Don’t get me wrong – I do have a GREAT life – an awesome and loving husband, two gorgeous kiddos who amaze me with their smarts, drama and fun, a fantastic job, great family within a bike ride, etc. I even do have an adequate social circle of friends and colleagues. It could be far, far worse.
I guess I’m just feeling thwarted at every social turn and it bothers me a LOT. I feel powerless against whatever force seems to be preventing me from making and building those connections which could be integral to blossoming friendships and camaraderie I sorely miss. I often wonder if God is using this time to break some things down in order to rebuild better – which would make sense, since those times are often so far out of my understanding but so much the better for me in the long run. I’ve taken the longest strides forward after the lowest times in my life. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t truly suck though.
Happy Hours. Girls Night Out. Fill-In-The-Blank Party at So-and-So’s House. All things which may just have to wait until whatever is happening is done happening. Cheers.